More stuff to To put on the notice board at work
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This site has all sorts of Goodies
RULES A WOMAN SHOULD KNOW.
(Harsh but strangely true)
1/ If you think you might be fat
you are!!! Don't ask us,
just get your fat arse in a gym.
2/ Learn to work the toilet seat..if it's up put it down.
3/ Don't cut your hair - ever!
It causes arguments when we
comment on it.
4/ Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries
are not quests to see
if we can find the perfect present.......again!
5/ If you ask a question you don't
want an answer to,
expect an answer you don't want to hear.
6/ Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
7/ Anyone can buy condoms.
8/ Get rid of your cat. And no,
it's not different,
it's just like every other cat.
9/ Dogs are better than ANY cats.
10/ Sunday = Football/Rugby/Any
other sport. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
11/ Shopping is not a sport.
12/ Anything you wear is fine. Really.
13/ You have enough clothes.
14/ You have too many shoes.
15/ Crying is blackmail. Use it
if you must, but don't expect us
to like it.
16/ Your brother is an idiot, your
ex-boyfriend is a twat and
your Dad probably is too.
17/ Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
18/ No, we don't know what day
it is. We never will.
Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
19/ Yes, pissing standing up is
more difficult than pissing
from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
20/ Most blokes own two to three
pairs of shoes, what makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty,
that would look good with your dress?
21/ Yes, No and Mmm are perfectly acceptable answers.
22/ A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor !
23/ Your Mum doesn't have to be our best friend.
24/ Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
25/ Check your oil. It is an essential part of the car.
26/ The relationship is never going
to be like it was the first
two months we were going out.
27/ Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
28/ Anything we said 6 or 8 months
ago is inadmissible in an argument.
All comments become void after 7 days.
29/ Telling us that the models
in the men's magazines are airbrushed
makes you look jealous and petty and it's
certainly not going to deter us from reading the magazines.
30/ The male models with the great
bodies you see in magazines
are all gay.Face it.
31/ If something we said can be
interpreted two ways, and one of them
makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
32/ Let us ogle. If we don't look
at other women,
how can we know how pretty you are?
33/ Whenever possible, please say
whatever you have to say
during commercials.
34/ Consider Sport a mini-vacation
from you. We need it,
just like you do.
35/ Women wearing Wonderbras, low-cut
blouses, tight tops, no jackets,
chest level logo'd t-shirts etc. etc. lose their right to complain
about having their boobs stared at.
36/ When we are in bed and look
tired this means that we are tired,
not that we want to discuss the relationship.
37/ If you want some dessert after
a meal - order some.
You don't have to finish it. You can just taste it if you like
but don't say "No, I couldn't /shouldn't / don't want any"
and then eat half of mine.
38/ Dieting doesn't work without exercise.
39/ If you're on a diet it doesn't
mean my meals should be rabbit-food
nouvelle-cuisine style. A man's four essential food groups are:
white meat, red meat, cold beer and more cold beer.
Please ensure all meals contain a good balance of the above
in good quantities - everything else falls under the category
'garnish'.
40/ Do not question our sense of direction.
The following are actual quotes
from
Federal Employees performance evaluations:
1. "Works well only when under
constant supervision,
and cornered like a rat in a trap."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This employee is not really
so much a has-been, but more of
a definite won't-be."
5. "Since my last report, he has
reached rock bottom,
and has started to dig."
6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
8. "She sets low performance standards,
and then consistently
fails to achieve them."
9. "This employee should go far; and the sooner he starts, the better."
10. "This employee is depriving a village, somewhere, of an idiot."
11. "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
12. "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
13. "Got a full six pack, but lacks
the plastic things to hold it all
together."
14. "A gross ignoramus - 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
15. "A photographic memory, but with the lens cap glued on."
16. "A prime candidate for natural deselecting."
17. "Bright as Alaska in December."
18. "One cell organisms out score him on IQ tests."
19. "Donated his brain to Science before he was done with it."
20. "Fell out of the family tree."
21. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
22. "Has two brains: One is lost, and the other is out looking for it."
23. "He's so dense, light bends around him."
24. "If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
25. "If he were more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week."
26. "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
29. "One neuron short of synapse."
30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled."
31. "Takes 1 ½ hours to watch 60 minutes."
32. "Was left on the Tilt-a-Whirl a bit too long as a baby."
51 lines likely to get you a slap!
1/ Your name must be Daisy because I have the incredible urge to
plant you right here.
2/ Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, lets go screw.
3/ Just call me milk, I'll do your body good.
4/ Your body's name must be Visa, 'cause it's everywhere I want to be.
5/ Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
6/ I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock
7/ I may not be the best looking guy here, but I'm the only one
talking to you.
8/ My love for you is like the Energizer bunny: It keeps going
and going............
9/ That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you,
I'd be coming too.
10/ I'd like to screw your brains out, but it appears that
someone beat me to it.
11/ Do you want to get drunk and f**k, or don't you drink?
12/ I enjoy doing maintenance, you look like someone I would like
to "tinker" with.
13/ You must be from Pearl Harbour, 'cause Baby you're the Bomb-diggity.
14/ If you were a new hamburger at McDonalds's, you would be McGorgeous.
15/ Is that Windex? Because I can see myself in your pants.
16/ I'm a bird watcher and I'm looking for a Big Breasted Bed
Thrasher, have you seen one?
17/ I wish you were a Pony Carousel outside Kmart so I could ride
you all day long for a dollar.
18/ Wanna play House? You be the screen door and I'll slam you
all night long.
19/ If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep
until the afternoon.
20/ Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that was a braille name tag.
21/ If you were a car, I'd wax you and ride you all over town.
22/ Guy: "Would you like to dance?"
Girl: "I would love to dance but I wouldn't dance with you"
Guy: "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I
said you look fat in those pants."
23/ Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I seem to have lost mine.
24/ I'd look good on you.
25/ I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
26/ If you left leg was Christmas and your right leg Easter, can
I visit you between the Holidays?
27/ You look like a girl that's heard every line in the book, so
what's one more going to hurt?
28/ F**k me if I'm wrong, but is your name Yolanda?
29/ I'd love every bone in your body, especially mine.
30/ Excuse me, do you wanna f**k or should I apologise?
31/ You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is
only a light switch away.
32/ Do you want to dance? No? Well I guess a f**k is out of the
question.
33/ Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?
34/ I've lost my bed, can I borrow yours?
35/ You must be Jamaican, 'cause Jamaican me crazy.
36/ My recipe for love is one cup of you, one cup of me, knead
until hard and serve hot.
37/ Are your legs tired, because you've been running through my
mind all day long.
38/ You be the tree, and I'll wrap you like a Koala.
39/ Hey Baby, I'm like American Express, you don't want to leave
home without me.
40/ Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I
met the girl of my dreams.
41/ The word for the night is "legs". Lets go back to my place
and spread the word.
42/ Hey Baby, what's your sign? Caution, Slippery When Wet,
Dangerous Curves Ahead?
43/ Hi my name is Jamie, remember it, 'cause you'll be screaming
it all night long.
44/ I can't find my puppy, can you help me find him? I think he
went into this cheap motel room.
45/ Was your Dad a farmer? 'Cause you sure have great melons.
46/ Want to play Conductor? You be the Engineer, and I'll go Choo Choo.
47/ You must be Jelly, 'cause Jam don't shake like that.
48/ Guy: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?" Girl: "Yes,
that's why I don't go there anymore."
49/ Hi my name is Skippy, like Peanut Butter, I stick to the roof
of your mouth.
50/ Hi, my name is Pogo, want to jump on my stick?
51/ The fact that I'm missing my teeth just means that there's
more room for your tongue
Seeing how the All Blacks were
motivated by performing "The Haka" before
their World Cup games, the other nations were asked to
suggest pre-match rituals of their own.
The England team will chat about
the weather, wave hankies in the air
and attach bells to their ankles for a while before moaning
about how they invented the game, and gave it to the world, and how it's
not fair that everyone can beat them now.
The Scotland team will chant "You
lookin' at me Jimmy?" before smashing an
Iron Bru bottle over their opponents heads.
The Ireland team will spilt into
two, with the Southern half performing a
Riverdance, while the Northerners march the traditional route from their
dressing room to the pitch, via their opponents dressing room.
Unfortunately the Welsh suggestion
has been vetoed by the RSPCA.
Argentina will unexpectedly invade
a small part of opposition territory
claim it as their own "Las In-Goals-Areas" and then be forcibly removed by
the Stewards.
Two members of the South African
team will claim to be more important than
the other thirteen whom they will coral between the posts whilst they claim
the rest of the pitch for themselves.
The Americans will not be there
until half time. In future years they will
alter the records to show that they were in fact the most important team in
the tournament and Hollywood will make a film called "Saving No8 Lyle".
Five of the Canadian team will
sing La Marsaillaise and hold the rest of
the side to ransom.
The Italian team will arrive in
red penis substituting cars, sexually
harass the female stewards and then run away.
The Spanish will sneak into the
other half of the pitch mow it and then
claim that it was all in line with the European "grass quotas".
They will then curl up under the posts and have a kip until half time.
The Japanese will attempt to strengthen
their team by offering good
salaries to the key opposition players (over 35) and then run
around the pitch at high speed in a highly efficient manner before buying
the ground (with a subsidy from the UK Government).
The Australians will have a barbie
before negotiating lucrative singing
and TV contracts in the UK. They will then invite their mates to come and
live with them in Shepherds Bush before beating up
all the women on the touchline.
Thanks to "Craig Hyde" in China.
SO YOU THINK YOU HAD A BAD DAY...
1. The average cost of rehabilitating
a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil
spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most
expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers and
applause from onlookers. A minute later, they were both eaten by a killer whale.
2. A psychology student in New
York rented out her spare room to a
carpenter in order to nag him constantly and study his reactions. After
weeks of needling, he snapped and beat her repeatedly with an axe leaving
her mentally retarded.
3. In 1992, Frank Perkins of Los
Angeles made an attempt on the world
flagpole-sitting record. Suffering from the flu he came down eight hours
short of the 400 day record, his sponsor had gone bust, his girlfriend had
left him and his phone and electricity had been cut off.
4. A woman came home to find her
husband in the kitchen, shaking
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards the
electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current she
whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking his arm
in two places. Till that moment he had been happily listening to his
Walkman.
5. Two animal rights protesters
were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn.
Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of
them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two
hapless protesters to death.
And the Topper.......
6. Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet,
didn't pay enough postage on a letter
bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was
the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
Thanks to "Craig Hyde" in China.
A herd of buffalo
can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted,
it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general
speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of
the weakest members.
In much the same
way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it
attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells,
making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
Thats why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
Thanks to "Craig Hyde" in China.